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Up until the last two years my oldest and dear friend who was 89 years old was my source of inspiration and wisdom.  She was widowed for twelve years and made it clear she would never marry again.  This position in life seems to be popular among many widows.  I have been widowed for twenty years.  Marriage was something I enjoyed for it allowed me to build a foundation to live upon while I faced the world with its challenges.  But why was I not married and so many other widows?  Because many widows and widowers know the chances of being loved again are slim or nearly impossible.

 How did we end up so alienated from one another?  Many of us will leave this world without a true partner and soul mate, because love has become difficult to embrace.  For sure if you have ever been loved, you know when you have been shortchanged.  How can a widow or a widower ignore the reality that though someone is kind and wants to be with you that this does not mean he or she loves you?  It can't be ignored because love is something that can't be denied.  It has a power of its own that touches your heart in the presence of the one who loves you.  To accept kindness as love has costs many people grief.

 Love today is not the love I remember.  Love cares about your feelings, desires and that which makes you smile. It is a selfless sharing that allows the other person to be energized, lifted up to a state of fulfillment.  With this love, you want to do great things for mankind.  It is not something you just share in your home you go out into the world to bring light and hope to a world lacking in the beauty of love. Today, love means I will tolerate or be with this person because it makes my life easier and less lonely.  It is not about keeping the one you love strong and encouraged.

 Love has the spirit of appreciation.  You can't do enough for one another through the hard and good times.  If you have to question whether someone loves you, chances are they do not love you.  They just care enough about you to get their needs met leaving you needing more than they care to give.  This is not the best relationship you can have.  Many people live in the same house with their spouses and are very alone.  This is not love it is convenience and you are cheating yourself.  You deserve more than that.  You deserve to be adored, caressed, wanted and enjoyed by your companion.

Sometimes, love is not enough.  Being in love with the one you love stimulates action.  Love grounds but being in love specializes the union. This brings the magic and splendor that motivates couples to be physically conscious of one another.  You just don't forget the twinkle in each others' eyes making love ageless and welcoming.  And this earthly bonding makes it easy to not desire any other.  My 89 year old friend, Mrs. Bass loved her husband and he loved her.  I still see that twinkle in their eyes when they would talk to one another.  Their love was strong and filled with much playing.  His love carried on even in his death as he made sure she would not want for anything while he was gone.  Her head was always held high and she was always at peace.  When she would mention Mr. Bass, a glow would fill the room especially when she said no one today compares to the love Bass gave me.  He just wanted me to be happy.

Being alone for many proves to be the best state to live in today because once you've been loved, you know when you have been shortchanged.  Sad to say, many have not been genuinely love to know the difference.  To you I say, be aware of your feelings.  They are crying and talking to you for a reason.  Don't fool yourself.  If you do, you will remain lost.

MOLESTED ANGEL GET HER WINGS

As a survivor of molestation, I can honestly say there is a beautiful life after being molested. I remember watching "Woman Thou Art Loose" by TD Jakes. In the movie, the main character, a young female was raped by her mother’s boyfriend who took her virginity. Neither her mother or anybody in her life knew her inner suffering with this experience. That hidden anguish grew to self-destruction.

The movie bothered me from the standpoint that when a man of God counsels this young lady knowing her deep seated anger and offered her no answers and in the end no hope. This was a great devastation for me because the victim ends up shooting the victimizer at the altar in the House of God. People found this to be an excellent movie. I found it to be a preying on emotions and a means of an income dealing with a subject so complex and soul altering that to tamper with it with no resolve was unjust to molested victims needing help. Several years later, I still remember this disappointment.

With this in mind, I want victims, not only molested victims to know and understand there is hope and there are answers. We just have to discover our own path to God. I wrote a book, "LAST DAY OF VICTIMIZATION". This book reveals the soul of victimization and prepares victims and those who love and want to assist in the healing process answers and a real understanding why we are victims. Trust me if you really want to be delivered from your past, it can happen and it will if you consider the possibility it is because you are a child of God therefore you are a target for potential abuse.

Though many people would hate to admit, healing from molestation and many other forms of abuse takes time, lots of time. It is a shifting of gears from low to high with neutral sometimes making us think we are not progressing. I want molested angels all around the world to know you can and will accept your wings of freedom. When it happens you will know it. I remember accepting my wings. It happened in a way that never entered my mind. I owe it to my soul mate. I will ever be indebted to him.

Standing up for one’s feelings, needs and desires was difficult for me as a molested victim because that natural choosing was denied me for so many years of my life. I faced the world not acknowledging my true feelings that made me who I am. Instead, the needs, feelings and desires of the ones I loved had precedence over mines; but finally after much trust in God and allowing myself to rise out of my private abyss, I spoke from my soul and risk the chance of disappointing or even losing my soul mate. See in the past, I was hollered at or spanked if I expressed my true feelings. But my day of realizing God has brought me from a long way I spoke and received my Wings of Healing. Today, I can say: God will restore the years of the locusts. My past can no longer paralyze my presence. To be free is knowing you are AMAZING!

When I learned Hillary Clinton had the audacity to bring back such a dreadful and agonizing memory to our country by mentioning the assassination of. Bobby Kennedy, I was concerned about whom this woman really is.  You should never have to use a dagger to get your point across under any circumstances when you consider your self a person who cares bout humanity.  The timing of such discuss is awful knowing what the Kennedy family is facing with Edward Kennedy.  I personally as a woman feel any woman of compassion would never have gone there.

In talking to my son throughout this entire campaigning game, I told him to learn how a woman do things when she gets desperate or do not get what she wants.  A woman’s scorn is not to be challenged is what I told him.  It is not that women are not loving, nurturing, caring and giving creatures; it’s the fact that women are still seeking equilibrium since the Woman’s Liberation Movement.  Some have managed to remain as God created them to be while others allowed the world to mold them into vicious and callous beings settling for success at any cost.

When he phoned me and informed me about Hillary’s statement about the assignation I immediately asked myself why did this woman go there?  Why would she want to plant a seed like that in the minds of humanity?  Who was she really sending the message out to?  Her saying she regrets saying it does not sound genuine to me.  This is an intelligent woman who is selective in her wording of things.  Somewhere in her conscious, assassination was waiting to be released.   For whatever reason, it was there.  Why would she make a statement like this at this time in the campaigning?  Was she revealing the true source of her hope and if so, that is sad.   And even sadder is the possibility Hillary knows the forces of corruption and their tendency to quiet good.  Is she telling us America will not allow hope for best to rise for the majority of the people in this country? 

If this statement came out due to over stressing and possible loss of a dream, how would she handle our country under stress and emergencies?  We’re talking about a response to a question while she was campaigning. Not whether we should go to war.  I am a firm believer everything happens for a reason.  Whether this was an error of judgment on her part, it is a wake up call for America to realize the seriousness of the timing and wording of her choice of justification.  Justification should not hurt so many people due to words during an election.  It just does not add up to whom this woman is as far as I am concerned.  I am not for or against Hillary running for president.  I am concerned about what are her real intentions in desiring to lead the people of this country.   

To think the word assassination came out simply because the American people wanted to know why she was continuing her campaigning.  Is there anything else we should know?

As I get older and wiser in life, I find a need to question humanity.  How did we come to accept that a celebrity’s life is far more valuable than a soldier?  Do we realize what we are doing giving so much to entertainment neglecting that which keeps life ongoing?

Yesterday, I stopped by a deli.  There I discovered a soldier who had served time in Iraq.  There were limited work choices for him so he ended up working in this deli.  He was disappointed with his choices in America.  What was offered to a soldier after serving time in Iraq did not come close to equating the finances received while fighting a war that led no where.   His need to survive and have a quality of life led him to believe like my son who also served time in Iraq that in order to have a valued life in America he would have to reenlist to have hope of a bright future.  This is very sad to me especially when I see how much celebrities make just because they entertain us.  What is wrong with this picture?

Here we are in a country supposedly a land of the free and the brave.  How is there freedom when soldiers are treated like scum?   I remember watching a documentary where a soldier had served in Iraq and received multi bullet wounds.  His spine was damaged badly he suffered with pain daily but was denied financial support from the government.  This soldier was living in his car.  He was homeless.  The story got to Geraldo and he aired it on his show.  It wasn’t until then that the government had mercy on him and made arrangement s to assist him in having financial support to survive in America.

We have celebrities worth millions of dollars and they do not have to work another day in their lives.  We doll out our hard earned money to them.  Why?  Just because they entertain us, are we that shallow that we do not realize they would do what they do regardless of the overpaid millions we pay because they would have to survive like everybody else.    America is struggling financially and it is not getting any better.  The hard working class is suffering because we do not realize we are living in a country that is determined to have classes of people.   The rich, poor and the decreasing middle class is what our government is determined to have at any cost.   Why?  IT IS BECAUSE OF THE NEED FOR POWER, SUPERIORITY, EVIL, AND CONTROL.

 Wake up America.  This world is designed to own our souls.  Right now as we struggle to maintain our lives, the gas prices dominate leaving people in a state of desperation as planned by our own leaders.  Their determination to strip us from the right to have a quality of life is growing stronger as they rule our necessities.   If a soldier is struggling even after surviving the war in Iraq, imagine what is in stored for those who are not celebrities.           

As we grow closer to choosing our next president of the United States of America, I am in awe to discover the American people have a different conscious of reality about what is best for us. We are not allowing the media and leaders of huge organizations to direct our thinking. Good for you, America. We have finally stood up to the beast of control over our minds.

Though we have the potential of having an African American male President or a white woman to be our president, there is something even greater than this happening. People are putting up a fight against propaganda and in some ways abuse from our government. Finally we see if we do not get a president that knows people are what the government is supposed to serve than people serving the government, we will continue to die soulfully and spiritually.

The fact that we are owing other countries for our survival and facing unaccountable gas hikes daily reveals our government did not have our best interest at heart. Who will? Who will demand that our government stop raping this country? Will it be Hillary, Obama or John? We know whoever it is he or she will be risking their lives because when good people want to do right, assassinations show its ugly head. So, know this leader who is sincere knows the risks and will be willing to die for it. Can you identify who it is?

We as a people knowing the risks this great person is willing to take for us. We must continue to stand for right and best for ourselves as a whole. This election year is revealing color is now colors of hope and the re-establishment of a foundation less controlled with corruption. The past decade has been weeping, yes weeping with corruption leading to real corrosion of the American soul. Our children deserve a healthy future and a solid history to respect. Finally, we may be on the verge of making real and profitable history that reveals the power of America to stand on its own two feet. Enough of the greedy monster and its soldiers. Bring out the old and bring in the new!

There is an old saying: twice a child once an adult. This means just as we entered the world needing someone to love, nurture and protect us we will need the same leaving. When all is said and done and we have met the challenges of the world, we must ask ourselves: WHO WILL CHANGE MY DIAPER when I am possibly sick or too old to take care of my self.

As it stands today, our society is creating a future of alienation and no trust in love not only as companions but also as family members towards one another. In this moment for most of us being able to work, pay our bills and watch television is all one seeks to exist. Yet, we all know by nature we were created to interact with one another and yes, love and be loved.

Recently, my mother had knee replacement surgery. In my spirit, I knew I did not want anybody to tend to her but me because I knew how crucial love plays in the healing process for all life. We will recover at the hands of strangers this we know but I wanted my mother to not only recover but grow and be encouraged through the whole ordeal because it was her first surgery ever at the age of seventy.

During her stay in the hospital, the medical staff was professional and in the beginning very kind, attentive and encouraging. By the fourth day there was a drop off on caring. This is what happens when love is not there. People get treated like a machine after awhile like when we put our vehicles in the shop. You just never know what to expect. But love is reassuring and promises that you are not alone.

In looking at your friend, companion, husband, etc., make sure you know he or she will be willing to focus in on your dependency when so much more is required of them besides laughing and playing. Make sure you know he or she will change your diaper if necessary for the rest of your life. The only certainty one can have is to seek and know they have the best love which includes God. Without a conscious of God no person in your life can be solely trusted to stand by you through thick and thin.

In the end you learn love is not just about convience. It is about commitment, loyalty, and the reality of the power of oneness throughout eternity. Your child, sibling, companion, friend, etc. must reveal the best displays of love if you are going to trust them with your well-being in times of dependency where you are not enough to see your self through. Today, take time out to look at who you have around you. WILL THEY CHANGE YOUR DIAPER?

Forget about Clinton, Obama and Mclain.  They are not gods nor are they responsible for our future.  We the American people are responsible for the hell we are in.

If we ever are going to have peace, equality and the pursuit of happiness without corruptible restraints, we are going to have to hold leadership accountable to their choices to represent our needs and future development.  It is time we stop allowing the media to dictate our perceptions of these individuals.  In reality there is no more to know and no more for them to say.  All that is happening now is a game to see how confused we can become in our choices.  If we do not live in their lives, we do not know them.  All our conclusions are not real even the best ones.  We just do not know these people just like you do not know me.  Yet, I too am alive and have perceptions.

What more is there to say?  Honestly, we know what our main problem is.  We lack the ability to have a unified purpose to save and improve the existence of the human race.  Because of this fallacy, leadership is chosen based on impossible fulfillments.  We do not need another president to stand before us like a puppet and carry out the wishes of those in power to dictate what the American people can and can not have.  It is obvious it is not the president that is destroying America; it is the people with the most money and need to keep people oppressed.  These people control what we need most and we know who they are.

If the little guy (quote unquote) was to stop worshipping idols and stop giving his power away to people who do not care anything about them, many celebrities and public figures would lose their prestige.  Large numbers of little people keep lesser numbers of rich folks rich and greedy.  And, the sad thing about it, these rich and greedy people does not appreciate the little guy.  Greedy people are the weaker people.  This can easily be proven by keeping our money out of their pockets.  It is their fear that there is not enough to go around that keeps America in a state of corruption.  They know they need the average person more than the average person needs them.  This is why they create a foundation to control oil, water, air, food, medications, jobs etc.  If the day would ever come that the human race wakes up and realizes life does not have to be tormenting and always in a state of survival, we can then have hope of a productive and constructive future for our children and ourselves as well.

We do not need anymore negative information about our potential president.  We need to wake up to the reality that without good there is no hope.  It is time for America to stop living in darkness.  “In God We Trust” was not put on money for no reason.  And, it was not for religious reasons.  It was put there to establish a foundation to choose best; to go high in all our choices as individuals and as a collective species.  Can we choose wisely?  

LAST DAY OF VICTIMIZATION (EXCERPT)

Gripping the Soul

A HORRIFIC MOVEMENT HAS TAKEN PLACE MAKING US AWARE WE ARE AN INDIVIDUAL AND WE HAVE A SOUL.  It is a taking that mars our total being.  It carries the vibrations of a wounded animal dying with no value.  Immediately when something is taken from us a death-like agony fills our emotions and feelings.  It makes us aware of a reality beyond the body and worldly environment.  We come to realize what we are made of.  That part of us silenced by external influences now becomes louder than our physical environment.  We feel like we’re bleeding yet in many cases there is no blood.  Something is oozing coming forth like puss from an infected wound.   We try to stuff everything back inside ourselves but whatever it is, we can’t see or touch it to control and direct it. It is like someone has literary pulled our hearts out of our chests and held it in their hands.  We see them with it but we can never get it back; yet we are alive and we have to go on although this huge part of us is gone.

It takes hold of our total mind and heart and festers into sweet sorrow because we have been robbed of our natural life flow to experience the moment uninhibited by evil forces.  Bitterness follows in most cases because that is what unjust pain becomes. The instant preparation of a private abyss formulates to pull us deeper into the darkness of our agony.

 My soul is weary of my life; I will leave my complaint upon myself; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.  Job 10:1

Doses of Reality

          As the time passed, I grew too weary to think about what happened to me; instead my interest was in what was it about me that gave my victimizers the signals I could be captured.   I went back to the nature of a child because children are the most sought after and innocent victims in the world today.  They have the potential to allow love to be given and received.  Children give us a chance to do the right thing for humanity. 

            Compared to a child, I found I as well as people I had talked to who had been victimized, all had a heart to do the right thing by people and life.  We tend to have a respect for God and our spirituality.  When I accepted this woman as a partner in fulfilling my dream, I was busy praying and hoping to be a blessing in her life because there was no pleasure for me being blessed alone. 

            Where I was thinking about prospering her life while we worked towards my goals, she was interested in her own progress at my expense.  She led me to believe the value of my dream was valuable to her as well.  There was not anything childlike about her presence.  Her presence in the world joined the other worldly conscious of greedy and selfish people.   

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: 1Peter 5:8

As we begin to narrow down to that Democratic candidate, I can’t help but wonder which one can actually be the best candidate so I am left to rely on what I personally consider what is important.  In my everyday walk in life, I judge people by their parenting because if they are committed to their parenting then the chances of being people of good character rank high in my sight.  With this in mind, I wondered about Hillary Clinton.  I have not seen her exposure of nurturing and enjoying her family.  I’ve received numerous of e-mails and caught glimpses of Barrack Obama showing genuine affection towards his entire family.  Being that women are supposedly the natural nurturers created by God, it seems that there should be more displays of Hillary being a nurturing person towards others.  What I have only seen is a woman on the battle field.  And the price has left her to appear to have to put on tough skin to compete in a man’s world.  This is a turn off for me.  We have enough male energy going around in this world. 

The changes that this country need to be making is getting back in touch with the reality that we are spiritual beings having a human experience.  We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.  For our country to re –establish its ground, it has to face the fact that too much of anything is not good for us.  It is no doubt that America has had too much materialism and technology.  We have had too much mental and physical dependency leaving our spiritual selves out of our choices in life.  For this we are not making good judgments as individuals and as a country.  If we were in touch with our spiritual existence, we would not have ended up in Iraq to continue to gain more physical substance.  The lack of love for our fellowman over materialism has resulted in our facing the world as a real melting pot.  We are decaying quickly and the world is watching.

As I stated in the beginning, I believe parenting is the key to establishing loving bonds from one person to another.  When a child does not experience nurturing, love, caring and a chosen priority in their parents ‘ lives, the result is a callous heart that goes out into the world to gain material success and in some cases at any cost.  Our candidates including the republican candidate, Mr. John McCain must have a heart and that heart must be grounded in the family foundation in order that he or she will understand the soulful needs of this country that is starving from a lack of love, empathy, compassion and justice.  Charity always begins at home and spreads abroad.  Without love there is no hope of justice.  It is this reality that the world does not want to face for it is love that ends corruption.  There is no need in listening to candidates programmed to the ways of the world.  They will not accomplish anything but more corruption and a need to continue to rape the American people of their freedom to enjoy life as a child of God.  What does this mean?  It means without spirit, the American people can forget having a life without dictatorship.  The gas prices are telling us something.  There is a very powerful source behind the controllers of this needed entity.  This source wants Americans to become silent slaves to their madness.  And their success depends on our not allowing love to be a priority beginning in our homes.  Love will alter priorities and needs.  It will allow us to be set free as we were born to be.  Hillary let me see your love.

What happens when a soldier falls in love with a molested angel?

“All right, soldiers, line up in two’s and follow me,” shouted Drill Sergeant Delap.

            We followed the short woman to our barracks.  Her uniform fit her like a glove and it was obvious that she didn’t take any mess.  Our over-packed duffle bags were slung awkwardly on our backs, while we carried our personal belongings in our arms.  By the time we made it to our new home we were all sweating and panting from the long walk.

Inside the long room, there were two bays, each with two rows of bunks.  The first instruction we were given was to make up the disheveled bed we would be using for the next eight weeks.  All of us were exhausted.  Some girls just burst out crying and started saying they wanted to go home.  We were subjected to over an hour of needless torture and mind games ranging from, how to correctly fold a shirt to how to clean the dust out from under our beds.

            Finally, the drill sergeant grew tired of running us in circles and ordered us to bed.  Once in my bunk, I fell asleep wishing for my momma.

But after that night, I was fine with the idea of being away from home.  It finally dawned on me how great this moment of my life was.  There wasn’t a soul here who knew anything about me.  I could be any person I wanted to be.  It was like going on stage and being a star.  I decided to be a person without a past.

I thought, “Let’s see who I am.”

Basic training was an experience I will never forget.  All forty females in the barracks were awakened at five o’clock in the morning, every morning.  We jumped out of bed and had to be in formation by six o’clock.  We marched everywhere we went, whether it was the chow hall or to the track to run laps.  We were like one big family in green.

Our drill sergeant was a petite, fair-skinned, white woman with blonde hair.  Drill Sergeant Delap was thin enough to be swept away by a breeze.  She looked like a Barbie doll in fatigues.  Her boots looked like they weighed more than she did.  But as small as she was, she could holler so loud you’d think she was ten feet tall and weighed 300 pounds.  You just had to respect her.  Her fatigues were starched perfectly, with straight creases down the front of her pants.  Her shirt was so well starched it appeared to be made out of cardboard.  The woman was perfectly presented as a representative of the United States Army.

            “Private Tillard, get your butt over here, front and center.”

            “Yes, Drill Sergeant,” I bellowed.

            “You will be responsible for this platoon.”

            “Yes, Drill Sergeant.”

            On the inside I was doing cartwheels but on the outside I was stoic and at attention.  I couldn’t believe I was being selected to be the platoon leader of our squad.  We had waited a whole week to find out who it would be.  I thought it was going to be Gladys Jackson because she passed every inspection with little effort.  Some of the girls rolled their eyes at me, while others congratulated me.

            “She must really like you.  I don’t see anything spectacular you did that I didn’t do,” said Martha.

            Martha was jealous about any and everything pertaining to everybody, so I wasn’t surprised when she made that comment.

            “I bet if you weren’t so jealous-hearted, you probably would’ve been selected to be a platoon leader.  Your funny ways would just hold us back.”

            “Jealous?  You think I’m jealous of you?  You’re just a lucky black token.”

            “Oh, so you’re prejudiced, too?  You’re a poor thing, you can’t think for yourself.  You’re not just jealous and prejudiced, you’re ignorant.”

            “You’re a black fool.  You have no right to talk to me like that.  I’m better than you no matter what you think,” said Martha.

            “How are you better?  Oh is it because you got money?  It sure ain’t because you’re cute with your out of shape butt.  You think you’re all that?  Or is it because you have white skin and you’ve been brainwashed to believe you’re better than other people?  Which is it?  It can’t surely be because you have a brain because you’re stupid,” I said.

            “You both need to stop,” Ann said.

            I sucked my teeth. “She started it.  She’s evil!”

            “Hold on now,” said Jean.

This was beginning to turn into a racial war.  The black females gathered near me, while the white females joined Martha.  All the other races of girls just looked on, afraid of the outcome.

            “This is crazy,” I said as I turned and walked away.

            “You said I was evil.  That was not fair.  It’s a lie,” Martha said following close behind me.

            “I don’t hate you, but I’m not going to let you put me down because of the color of my skin.”

            The room was very quiet as everybody moved to their areas to prepare for inspection.  As I was folding my socks and underclothes, I couldn’t help but wonder why people were so quick to attack each other.  Out of all the things we could do in life, why choose to be less than loving?

After our argument, we managed to tolerate each other long enough to get through basic training.  I wasn’t trying to be anyone’s best friend and that was good enough for me at the moment.  The biggest accomplishment for us had to be passing the physical fitness test.  We had to run two miles in a certain time frame or flunk basic training.  Most of us did well with the sit-ups, pushups, jumping jacks, and the other requirements, but the track was another story.

The Alabama sun beamed down on us like it was trying to fry us up for afternoon chow.

            “I can’t make it,” cried Tina as she began to throw up toward the end of the run.

             I ran out on the track and hollered at her. “You better make it!  You only got a few more steps and you will make it, throw up and all!”

Tina dragged herself to the finish line, barely making her time.

Girls were falling out all over the track.  I helped as many as I could to cool their faces down and encouraged them to stand up and keep moving, even if they had to walk the rest of the way.  Though many of them came in soaking wet with sweat and vomit on their clothes, all of us passed our PT test.

            The next day we had to go through the gas chamber.  As we lined up outside the shack filled with tear gas, we stood quietly waiting our turns.  The first set of ten went in and came out crying and gasping for air and I thought I wasn’t going to make it because I do not like being closed in.