As I look back over my life I am reminded of how much people loved one another. Girls and boys could be the best of friends without having sex. I am not ruling out the activity of sex during that time but it did not rule over the heart as it does today.
We are finding more and more sexual activity is taking place among our youths at a younger and younger age. Also with this growing number, we find sexual activity multiplying among the same sexual preferences. With that, we also see an outrage of infidelity. What is all of this telling us? Very simple, we are not developing our total selves. The physical self is ruling and it is doing so with no conscious of morality. No one wants to admit the human race has lost touch with its purpose to exist. When you have no program, heathen tendencies rule our conscious. We were created to love one another unconditionally.
Why sex? I had to ask myself this question knowing I too have in my lifetime experienced revealing my nakedness to a man for the first time knowing just maybe I should not do this. But I completed the mission with no thought of the risks. Why? Because in that moment I and so many other people allow the adrenalin rush to bond with another human overtake our logic. It is just that simple. We dive in hoping for something magical, special, bonding and at times proof that love is possible. The very act itself promises no bed of roses only hope that maybe just maybe we are special to someone or we just downright need to feel something, something we do not experience outside of this experience.
What we are seeking is a conscious connection to someone. We need love a love that makes us feel alive and appreciated. When we surrender to this quickening, we are escaping the alienated world we exist in. Love is so rare and seldom felt that we lose touch with the sensations that make it special between two people. It is easier to search for each other under the sheets instead of above water face to face. The natural tendencies to feel the needs and desires of one another have been savored due to selfishness and self seeking to survive in a world that hates love.
Sex without the spirit of love is void. People keep indulging in the act like a crack head looking to recapture the first euphoric moment of ecstasy. They roam from partner to partner hoping for a fulfillment that only God can fill. You see God is love and love is God. It is a far more than an orgasmic experience. The orgasmic experience only reveals a false and temporal fulfillment in comparison to experiencing the reality of God. Whether we acknowledge God or not, human nature will seek gratification because there is something in them that desires its Creator, because God put that desire there at birth. You may think you need a sexual fix. It is not that, it is God calling you to experience His reality.
Lonely people sleep together every night. They have sex and experience an unfulfilled that not even they understand. At times they will creep on their partner thinking he or she is not delivering when in reality no human can deliver fulfillment but God. Without God, a destructive force rules our sexual indulgence. This is why diseases and unwanted children are spreading like wild fire. All the outcomes are evidence of a lack of love. We are moving too fast to see. This is how the world controls our choices. The first step in saving ourselves is to be still and know we belong to God. WITHOUT LOVE, SEX IS JUST FALSE HOPE FOR IT. Yes, we are a world of love starved people.
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MOLESTED ANGEL GET HER WINGS
As a survivor of molestation, I can honestly say there is a beautiful life after being molested. I remember watching "Woman Thou Art Loose" by TD Jakes. In the movie, the main character, a young female was raped by her mother’s boyfriend who took her virginity. Neither her mother or anybody in her life knew her inner suffering with this experience. That hidden anguish grew to self-destruction.
The movie bothered me from the standpoint that when a man of God counsels this young lady knowing her deep seated anger and offered her no answers and in the end no hope. This was a great devastation for me because the victim ends up shooting the victimizer at the altar in the House of God. People found this to be an excellent movie. I found it to be a preying on emotions and a means of an income dealing with a subject so complex and soul altering that to tamper with it with no resolve was unjust to molested victims needing help. Several years later, I still remember this disappointment.
With this in mind, I want victims, not only molested victims to know and understand there is hope and there are answers. We just have to discover our own path to God. I wrote a book, "LAST DAY OF VICTIMIZATION". This book reveals the soul of victimization and prepares victims and those who love and want to assist in the healing process answers and a real understanding why we are victims. Trust me if you really want to be delivered from your past, it can happen and it will if you consider the possibility it is because you are a child of God therefore you are a target for potential abuse.
Though many people would hate to admit, healing from molestation and many other forms of abuse takes time, lots of time. It is a shifting of gears from low to high with neutral sometimes making us think we are not progressing. I want molested angels all around the world to know you can and will accept your wings of freedom. When it happens you will know it. I remember accepting my wings. It happened in a way that never entered my mind. I owe it to my soul mate. I will ever be indebted to him.
Standing up for one’s feelings, needs and desires was difficult for me as a molested victim because that natural choosing was denied me for so many years of my life. I faced the world not acknowledging my true feelings that made me who I am. Instead, the needs, feelings and desires of the ones I loved had precedence over mines; but finally after much trust in God and allowing myself to rise out of my private abyss, I spoke from my soul and risk the chance of disappointing or even losing my soul mate. See in the past, I was hollered at or spanked if I expressed my true feelings. But my day of realizing God has brought me from a long way I spoke and received my Wings of Healing. Today, I can say: God will restore the years of the locusts. My past can no longer paralyze my presence. To be free is knowing you are AMAZING!
]]>As I get older and wiser in life, I find a need to question humanity. How did we come to accept that a celebrity’s life is far more valuable than a soldier? Do we realize what we are doing giving so much to entertainment neglecting that which keeps life ongoing?
Yesterday, I stopped by a deli. There I discovered a soldier who had served time in Iraq. There were limited work choices for him so he ended up working in this deli. He was disappointed with his choices in America. What was offered to a soldier after serving time in Iraq did not come close to equating the finances received while fighting a war that led no where. His need to survive and have a quality of life led him to believe like my son who also served time in Iraq that in order to have a valued life in America he would have to reenlist to have hope of a bright future. This is very sad to me especially when I see how much celebrities make just because they entertain us. What is wrong with this picture?
Here we are in a country supposedly a land of the free and the brave. How is there freedom when soldiers are treated like scum? I remember watching a documentary where a soldier had served in Iraq and received multi bullet wounds. His spine was damaged badly he suffered with pain daily but was denied financial support from the government. This soldier was living in his car. He was homeless. The story got to Geraldo and he aired it on his show. It wasn’t until then that the government had mercy on him and made arrangement s to assist him in having financial support to survive in America.
We have celebrities worth millions of dollars and they do not have to work another day in their lives. We doll out our hard earned money to them. Why? Just because they entertain us, are we that shallow that we do not realize they would do what they do regardless of the overpaid millions we pay because they would have to survive like everybody else. America is struggling financially and it is not getting any better. The hard working class is suffering because we do not realize we are living in a country that is determined to have classes of people. The rich, poor and the decreasing middle class is what our government is determined to have at any cost. Why? IT IS BECAUSE OF THE NEED FOR POWER, SUPERIORITY, EVIL, AND CONTROL.
Wake up America. This world is designed to own our souls. Right now as we struggle to maintain our lives, the gas prices dominate leaving people in a state of desperation as planned by our own leaders. Their determination to strip us from the right to have a quality of life is growing stronger as they rule our necessities. If a soldier is struggling even after surviving the war in Iraq, imagine what is in stored for those who are not celebrities.
]]>As we grow closer to choosing our next president of the United States of America, I am in awe to discover the American people have a different conscious of reality about what is best for us. We are not allowing the media and leaders of huge organizations to direct our thinking. Good for you, America. We have finally stood up to the beast of control over our minds.
Though we have the potential of having an African American male President or a white woman to be our president, there is something even greater than this happening. People are putting up a fight against propaganda and in some ways abuse from our government. Finally we see if we do not get a president that knows people are what the government is supposed to serve than people serving the government, we will continue to die soulfully and spiritually.
The fact that we are owing other countries for our survival and facing unaccountable gas hikes daily reveals our government did not have our best interest at heart. Who will? Who will demand that our government stop raping this country? Will it be Hillary, Obama or John? We know whoever it is he or she will be risking their lives because when good people want to do right, assassinations show its ugly head. So, know this leader who is sincere knows the risks and will be willing to die for it. Can you identify who it is?
We as a people knowing the risks this great person is willing to take for us. We must continue to stand for right and best for ourselves as a whole. This election year is revealing color is now colors of hope and the re-establishment of a foundation less controlled with corruption. The past decade has been weeping, yes weeping with corruption leading to real corrosion of the American soul. Our children deserve a healthy future and a solid history to respect. Finally, we may be on the verge of making real and profitable history that reveals the power of America to stand on its own two feet. Enough of the greedy monster and its soldiers. Bring out the old and bring in the new!
]]>There is an old saying: twice a child once an adult. This means just as we entered the world needing someone to love, nurture and protect us we will need the same leaving. When all is said and done and we have met the challenges of the world, we must ask ourselves: WHO WILL CHANGE MY DIAPER when I am possibly sick or too old to take care of my self.
As it stands today, our society is creating a future of alienation and no trust in love not only as companions but also as family members towards one another. In this moment for most of us being able to work, pay our bills and watch television is all one seeks to exist. Yet, we all know by nature we were created to interact with one another and yes, love and be loved.
Recently, my mother had knee replacement surgery. In my spirit, I knew I did not want anybody to tend to her but me because I knew how crucial love plays in the healing process for all life. We will recover at the hands of strangers this we know but I wanted my mother to not only recover but grow and be encouraged through the whole ordeal because it was her first surgery ever at the age of seventy.
During her stay in the hospital, the medical staff was professional and in the beginning very kind, attentive and encouraging. By the fourth day there was a drop off on caring. This is what happens when love is not there. People get treated like a machine after awhile like when we put our vehicles in the shop. You just never know what to expect. But love is reassuring and promises that you are not alone.
In looking at your friend, companion, husband, etc., make sure you know he or she will be willing to focus in on your dependency when so much more is required of them besides laughing and playing. Make sure you know he or she will change your diaper if necessary for the rest of your life. The only certainty one can have is to seek and know they have the best love which includes God. Without a conscious of God no person in your life can be solely trusted to stand by you through thick and thin.
In the end you learn love is not just about convience. It is about commitment, loyalty, and the reality of the power of oneness throughout eternity. Your child, sibling, companion, friend, etc. must reveal the best displays of love if you are going to trust them with your well-being in times of dependency where you are not enough to see your self through. Today, take time out to look at who you have around you. WILL THEY CHANGE YOUR DIAPER?
]]>LAST DAY OF VICTIMIZATION (EXCERPT)
Gripping the Soul
A HORRIFIC MOVEMENT HAS TAKEN PLACE MAKING US AWARE WE ARE AN INDIVIDUAL AND WE HAVE A SOUL. It is a taking that mars our total being. It carries the vibrations of a wounded animal dying with no value. Immediately when something is taken from us a death-like agony fills our emotions and feelings. It makes us aware of a reality beyond the body and worldly environment. We come to realize what we are made of. That part of us silenced by external influences now becomes louder than our physical environment. We feel like we’re bleeding yet in many cases there is no blood. Something is oozing coming forth like puss from an infected wound. We try to stuff everything back inside ourselves but whatever it is, we can’t see or touch it to control and direct it. It is like someone has literary pulled our hearts out of our chests and held it in their hands. We see them with it but we can never get it back; yet we are alive and we have to go on although this huge part of us is gone.
It takes hold of our total mind and heart and festers into sweet sorrow because we have been robbed of our natural life flow to experience the moment uninhibited by evil forces. Bitterness follows in most cases because that is what unjust pain becomes. The instant preparation of a private abyss formulates to pull us deeper into the darkness of our agony.
My soul is weary of my life; I will leave my complaint upon myself; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. Job 10:1
Doses of Reality
As the time passed, I grew too weary to think about what happened to me; instead my interest was in what was it about me that gave my victimizers the signals I could be captured. I went back to the nature of a child because children are the most sought after and innocent victims in the world today. They have the potential to allow love to be given and received. Children give us a chance to do the right thing for humanity.
Compared to a child, I found I as well as people I had talked to who had been victimized, all had a heart to do the right thing by people and life. We tend to have a respect for God and our spirituality. When I accepted this woman as a partner in fulfilling my dream, I was busy praying and hoping to be a blessing in her life because there was no pleasure for me being blessed alone.
Where I was thinking about prospering her life while we worked towards my goals, she was interested in her own progress at my expense. She led me to believe the value of my dream was valuable to her as well. There was not anything childlike about her presence. Her presence in the world joined the other worldly conscious of greedy and selfish people.
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: 1Peter 5:8
]]>What happens when a soldier falls in love with a molested angel?
“All right, soldiers, line up in two’s and follow me,” shouted Drill Sergeant Delap.
We followed the short woman to our barracks. Her uniform fit her like a glove and it was obvious that she didn’t take any mess. Our over-packed duffle bags were slung awkwardly on our backs, while we carried our personal belongings in our arms. By the time we made it to our new home we were all sweating and panting from the long walk.
Inside the long room, there were two bays, each with two rows of bunks. The first instruction we were given was to make up the disheveled bed we would be using for the next eight weeks. All of us were exhausted. Some girls just burst out crying and started saying they wanted to go home. We were subjected to over an hour of needless torture and mind games ranging from, how to correctly fold a shirt to how to clean the dust out from under our beds.
Finally, the drill sergeant grew tired of running us in circles and ordered us to bed. Once in my bunk, I fell asleep wishing for my momma.
But after that night, I was fine with the idea of being away from home. It finally dawned on me how great this moment of my life was. There wasn’t a soul here who knew anything about me. I could be any person I wanted to be. It was like going on stage and being a star. I decided to be a person without a past.
I thought, “Let’s see who I am.”
Basic training was an experience I will never forget. All forty females in the barracks were awakened at five o’clock in the morning, every morning. We jumped out of bed and had to be in formation by six o’clock. We marched everywhere we went, whether it was the chow hall or to the track to run laps. We were like one big family in green.
Our drill sergeant was a petite, fair-skinned, white woman with blonde hair. Drill Sergeant Delap was thin enough to be swept away by a breeze. She looked like a Barbie doll in fatigues. Her boots looked like they weighed more than she did. But as small as she was, she could holler so loud you’d think she was ten feet tall and weighed 300 pounds. You just had to respect her. Her fatigues were starched perfectly, with straight creases down the front of her pants. Her shirt was so well starched it appeared to be made out of cardboard. The woman was perfectly presented as a representative of the United States Army.
“Private Tillard, get your butt over here, front and center.”
“Yes, Drill Sergeant,” I bellowed.
“You will be responsible for this platoon.”
“Yes, Drill Sergeant.”
On the inside I was doing cartwheels but on the outside I was stoic and at attention. I couldn’t believe I was being selected to be the platoon leader of our squad. We had waited a whole week to find out who it would be. I thought it was going to be Gladys Jackson because she passed every inspection with little effort. Some of the girls rolled their eyes at me, while others congratulated me.
“She must really like you. I don’t see anything spectacular you did that I didn’t do,” said Martha.
Martha was jealous about any and everything pertaining to everybody, so I wasn’t surprised when she made that comment.
“I bet if you weren’t so jealous-hearted, you probably would’ve been selected to be a platoon leader. Your funny ways would just hold us back.”
“Jealous? You think I’m jealous of you? You’re just a lucky black token.”
“Oh, so you’re prejudiced, too? You’re a poor thing, you can’t think for yourself. You’re not just jealous and prejudiced, you’re ignorant.”
“You’re a black fool. You have no right to talk to me like that. I’m better than you no matter what you think,” said Martha.
“How are you better? Oh is it because you got money? It sure ain’t because you’re cute with your out of shape butt. You think you’re all that? Or is it because you have white skin and you’ve been brainwashed to believe you’re better than other people? Which is it? It can’t surely be because you have a brain because you’re stupid,” I said.
“You both need to stop,” Ann said.
I sucked my teeth. “She started it. She’s evil!”
“Hold on now,” said Jean.
This was beginning to turn into a racial war. The black females gathered near me, while the white females joined Martha. All the other races of girls just looked on, afraid of the outcome.
“This is crazy,” I said as I turned and walked away.
“You said I was evil. That was not fair. It’s a lie,” Martha said following close behind me.
“I don’t hate you, but I’m not going to let you put me down because of the color of my skin.”
The room was very quiet as everybody moved to their areas to prepare for inspection. As I was folding my socks and underclothes, I couldn’t help but wonder why people were so quick to attack each other. Out of all the things we could do in life, why choose to be less than loving?
After our argument, we managed to tolerate each other long enough to get through basic training. I wasn’t trying to be anyone’s best friend and that was good enough for me at the moment. The biggest accomplishment for us had to be passing the physical fitness test. We had to run two miles in a certain time frame or flunk basic training. Most of us did well with the sit-ups, pushups, jumping jacks, and the other requirements, but the track was another story.
The Alabama sun beamed down on us like it was trying to fry us up for afternoon chow.
“I can’t make it,” cried Tina as she began to throw up toward the end of the run.
I ran out on the track and hollered at her. “You better make it! You only got a few more steps and you will make it, throw up and all!”
Tina dragged herself to the finish line, barely making her time.
Girls were falling out all over the track. I helped as many as I could to cool their faces down and encouraged them to stand up and keep moving, even if they had to walk the rest of the way. Though many of them came in soaking wet with sweat and vomit on their clothes, all of us passed our PT test.
The next day we had to go through the gas chamber. As we lined up outside the shack filled with tear gas, we stood quietly waiting our turns. The first set of ten went in and came out crying and gasping for air and I thought I wasn’t going to make it because I do not like being closed in.
]]>One morning I was relaxing in my bed and flipping channels on my television when I came upon a documentary honoring Martin Luther King, Jr. The film was in black and white showing the time frame of our history. Dr. King was leading large numbers of people to march against injustice. So many were of school age yet they were strong in their mission to be treated fairly.
There were times when dogs were loosed on human beings who were peacefully marching to expose the injustice that ruled our country; water hoses were opened to literary blast many to the ground breaking bones and causing tearing of skin; tear gas was released in the air to burn their eyes near blindness and police officers used hard clubs to beat them in the head and anywhere else on their bodies that would cause physical damages to take control of their lives. The dramatic and barbaric attacks marchers experienced back in those days revealed the core heart of this country. You must ask your self who has a right to attack a child of God? That is the only question that one must ask to understand why racism should be resolved by now.
As I observed the hideous sight of human beings being treated like animals, I realized there was a man in the White House who was not like the average man in the White House, this man had a heart for humanity just as his predecessor, President John F. Kennedy had when he stood up for injustice. President London B. Johnson was warned his popularity would practically diminish if he made it possible for blacks to vote in America. This man was also involved in “The War on Poverty” and many other civil issues. Knowing his risks, he stood behind his convictions to bring justice to the people Dr. King, Jr. was fighting for. As a result, he lost popularity. When asked why the fall in popularity, President Johnson told them, "I am a dominating personality, and when I get things done I don't always please all the people." Johnson also blamed the press, saying they showed "complete irresponsibility and lie and misstate facts and have no one to be answerable to." He also blamed "the preachers, liberals and professors" who had turned against him.”
This American history reveals our tendencies to not choose best. Also it reveals that although Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and millions of other people who suffered and died for justice lacked the power to get things done alone. The world was not going to listen or move on the determined marchers’ behalf. It took President Johnson to open the eyes of many Americans to see how unjust we were as a nation. As the election progress we are seeing our American demons exposed daily. Usually when a soul attempts to bring the world to a state of universal conscious, hell breaks lose and at times someone good dies. I pray that America is still not following the devil. We need to stop killing hope, love and life in America. What candidate has what it takes to step up to the plate? Whoever it is, he or she would be a humble spirit depending on God to guide their footsteps. We do not need darkness anymore. ENOUGH ALREADY!! Come on America wake up! We are dying.
]]>I call it a disgrace.
Tonight I did a blog where God revealed to me that I did not need Oprah to carry out His cause. Unbeknown to me I got my confirmation to why. I just want to share it with you.
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http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Wolves/oprah-fool.htm